popplers

Heh heh. Heh heh.

Best headline ever [Beavis and Butthead category]: Man fined for hiding his salami.

Steve, Don't Eat It!

I don't know who Steve is, but he eats things that I wouldn't touch on a bet (e.g., potted meat food product, pork rinds, natto) and writes about it. He makes me laugh so hard that tears come to my eyes.

[…] Beggin' Strips are bacon-shaped, bacon-flavored treats for dogs. In the commercial a dog runs around the house like a maniac shouting BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON! It's weird, because I do the exact same thing.

Beggin' Strips slogan is "Dogs don't know it's not bacon!" Newsflash: Dogs are retarded. Mine used to eat his own vomit, and wag his tail while he did it. I'll be the one to decide if this stuff tastes like bacon or not. […]

That's just wrong.

My favorite image from Fark's annual "worst holiday gift ever" photoshop contest: Miffy.

Dark and stormy

Speaking of monkeys and typewriters, I stumbled across the 2004 winners of the Lyttle Lytton Contest. As in the regular Bulwer-Lytton contest, entrants compose the hilariously bad first line of an imaginary novel. Unlike regular Bulwer-Lytton, however, the entries must be 25 words or less.

An example from the rules: "Jennifer stood there, quietly ovulating."

Ook, ook.

You gotta love the Weekly World News (or any paper that can run a headline that reads "MONKEYS TYPE SHAKESPEARE PLAY"). Apparently 5,000 monkeys with typewriters are almost as good as an infinite number:

[…] "We've been holding our breath for weeks," says Alan Ripshaw, the researcher in charge of the Monkey Project. "We knew the monkeys were getting close, but we've had a number of false starts.

"One time they got to the fourth act of Macbeth, before making a mistake. The monkeys also recently typed out a Thomas Pynchon novel, but that doesn't count." […]

Ho, Ho, Ho!

I know it's mean to laugh at the misfortunes of others, but these Scared of Santa photos crack me up. I love the entry that earned 2nd place, but some of the funniest are also the creepiest.

Tchotchkes on the Edge of Forever

I went out today to run some errands and buy a few more gifts. This is the tackiest thing that I saw at the local Hallmark store. Unfortunately, $28 is way too much for a gag gift. If they go on sale after Christmas, though, look out. (And I didn't even realize that it talks until I got home!)

Christmas Quickies

• One of the great things about having a TiVo is skipping over commercials. But we'll often stop to watch good commercials. The Santa's Helper Rubberband Man ad is perfect.
• Alert reader Donna calls our attention to H.P. Lovecraft-inspired Christmas carols
• Via fark.com, the worst Christmas album ever… Christmas In The Stars: The Star Wars Christmas Album!
• Via BoingBoing, Beatles Christmas Albums and gingerbread computer bits!
• Tom and Ray Magliozzi, Daniel Pinkwater, Robert Siegel, Ira Glass, and a cast of dozens in: A Car Talk Christmas Carol
• NPR's Scott Simon and Jim Nayder bring us Annoying Holiday Tunes

Whee!

Penguins! Diving penguins. (Requires Flash.)

Opus will be so disappointed

More headlines that make you say "Wha…?": Sea lions blamed for failure of charity herring sale.

Well nothin' I do don't seem to work…

I go out to my car this morning. Of course, I am already running late.

I notice that I have a flat tire. Really flat. Dead flat. I sigh, and go into the garage to get the bicycle pump. I eventually pump up the tire and drive away.

I take my usual route, and make the left turn onto the entrance ramp for Route 495. Too late, I realize that 495 is bumper-to-bumper. Unfortunately, at this point I can't bail and go via back roads, so I keep creeping up the entrance ramp. It takes me over 15 minutes to go ~3 miles. I get off at the next possible exit.

As I'm within striking distance of arriving at work, the Rolling Stones' 19th Nervous Breakdown comes on the radio. I start giggling and crank up the volume. The song ends when I arrive in the PharmaCo parking lot.

You better stop, look around, here it comes… here it comes… here it comes…
Here it comes. Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown.
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown…

I think I need a new Mixing Bowl.

I love Mimi Smartypants. I feel her pain. And the cake batter metaphor is priceless.

Today I am wearing a rather ugly seafoam-green sweater, a color that I normally avoid because it makes me look even more greenish, sullen, and furtive than usual, solely for its snuggliness. That is my mental state in a nutshell right now. I would have worn pajama pants to work as well, but somehow I managed to scrape a bit more of the Cake Batter Of Professionalism out of the Mixing Bowl Of My Rapidly Declining Standards and put on real grown-up pants with the ugly sweater. The cold and the holiday blah blah and the fact that my office never seems to operate on anything other than an OH MY GOD SUPER RED-HOT EMERGENCY level are all making me want to magically transform from a human girl into a patch of moss on a fallen log. […]

Quickies

• A must-read for anime fans traveling to Japan: the definitive tour book. The newly-released Cruising the Anime City: An Otaku Guide to Neo Tokyo offers pachinko parlors and cosplay cafes, the Tora no Ana anime and manga superstore, and more. Woot!
• I want my sushi disk. (It would go well with last month's sushi rolls!)
• Even more bees! BEES!
• It's a Wonderful Life in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies
  Posted by rv at 02:30 PM to news | Comments (0)

Woooo… dizzy.

Via BoingBoing: fun recursive animation.

Living in Pleasantville

Today we decorated Dave's truck and "marched" in Maynard's Christmas Parade. Got up early (for a weekend) and headed over to Artspace to help The Misfits assemble Acme Theater's parade entry. We had garland, lights, greenery, Christmas music, and a 5' inflatable [strap-on] Mickey. Minnie Mouse and Pluto were there, too.

The truck came out pretty well. We tied a wreath onto the front grille. We put up a cloth banner over the tailgate to advertise the upcoming Concert for the Holidaze. And we went nuts with the garland and greenery and lights. Cold weather (and windy!) but we got it all together.

The Misfits raided the costume closet and we had an interesting mix of characters accompanying our "float": Henry VIII, a sheriff, an elf, Tigger, five members of Dangerous Liaisons, and a silly wizard (think Mickey in The Sorceror's Apprentice, not Gandalf).

Tigger was clearly the most popular with the under-10 set (and not just because she had the box of candy), but the fancy French costumes also got some compliments. [I didn't have my camera with me, but pictures were taken. If I can get copies and scan them in, I will. We may never see Chris in period costume again, but he looked darned good.]

The actual parade was more fun than I would have expected. Santa arrived via helicopter, which was pretty cool. The helicopter buzzed Main Street a few times (with Santa waving to the assembled throngs), then landed in the parking lot of Clock Tower Place. Santa's sleigh was not pulled by eight tiny reindeer— it was on top of a flatbed from Butler Lumber, not far behind the Maynard High School Marching Band. We were in front of the EMTs and the marching band, and behind the Night Before Christmas float.

The parade route looped around the downtown area and back to the Mill (total time: about an hour), and then we all went out the Sit 'n Bull for burgers and beer. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Haaar, matey.

Went to Legends Comix and Games yesterday in search of a birthday present for a friend. Picked up 4 packs of Pirates of the Spanish Main and something else that looked fun.

Went home, wrapped presents, and cooked up a big batch of Crash's vindaloo. Headed off to Framingham for yummy Indian food, gaming, and birthday celebrations. Puck came by for a few hours, but had to run off to work after dinner. So, he missed out on the Pirates.

First impressions of PotSM: The tiny little ships are terribly cute, and not as easy to put together as you might think. Alas, one mast perished during assembly (snapped off at the base); with a little luck and some superglue, it may be repairable. Gameplay: we tried a three-player game first (easy rules), with limited success. It seemed like it was just a race to get to the islands with treasure and get back home again. Also, the rules seem lacking. I don't know if this got play-tested a lot or not, but we seemed to be missing the point on a few key areas (notably, sinking a ship). For our second attempt, we tried a two-player, 30-point game with the more advanced rules. This was a bit more interesting, and we did have a few naval battles. By the end, two ships were derelict and one was limping toward its home island. Overall, I think it has potential, but I'd like to see how it's played in a tournament. That would help me get a feel for how all the rules come together.

Blazing Saddles

It's hard to believe that Blazing Saddles is 30 years old. (I also didn't remember that it came out the same year as Young Frankenstein— Mel Brooks must have been really busy!) At any rate, AMC was showing Blazing Saddles the other night, and I tuned in. I was hoping that AMC wouldn't completely butcher it, but they did. It's practically impossible to appreciate it when they bleep the word "nigger" throughout.

My favorite part from the whole movie: The Waco Kid (Gene Wilder) consoles Sheriff Bart (Cleavon Little), saying "You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons."