popplers

Dang!

I can't believe that I missed the Guild of Calamitous Intent t-shirts. I gotta read Jackson Publick's blog more often. (This week's shirt is Sergeant Hatred.)

SciFi Channel is a harsh mistress

One of the good things about the gym is that I'm typically alone, and have complete control over the TV remote. Sometimes this works to my advantage, as it did on Friday (back-to-back episodes of Firefly: Jaynestown and Out of Gas— yes!)

But sometimes the SciFi Channel decides to serve up The Incredible Hulk all day. All day. From 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Every day this week. No, I'm not joking. Yes, the TV show with Bill Bixby and the sad walking-away music at the end.

I watched a two-part episode from the show's second season, starring Emmy-award winner Mariette Hartley. I did this so that now you don't have to. "Married" is apparently one of the best. episodes. evar. according to Hulk fans who post comments on Amazon. It is also a terrifying depiction of life in 1978. Mariette plays Dr. Caroline Fields, a renowned psychiatrist and hypnotherapist who is helping Bruce (actually David Bruce on the TV show) work through his many issues. She also has a tragic, unnamed, terminal illness that causes Bruce to fall in love with her. When she learns that she has mere weeks to live, she leaves her beautiful home (in Hawai'i) and drives down the road to local unfortunately-named singles bar, "The Swinger". She orders a double mai tai and is promptly picked up by Brad, a swingin' dude sporting flowing chest hair and a regrettable pornstache. It only gets sillier from here.

Meanwhile, Bruce arrives at Caroline's home; he finds the phone off the hook and medical papers strewn on the floor. He calls her doctor, who, in a startling breach of doctor-patient confidentiality, discusses the specifics of her case with a random man on the phone. (I could tell it was fiction because he called and reached a doctor on the first try. Although I guess they didn't have HMOs and interactive voice response systems back then.) Bruce drives off to search for Caroline and eventually arrives at Brad's totally awesome bachelor pad, where Brad and male friend are having a weird 70s-style double-date with Caroline and a nameless brunette. (Her only line, delivered several different ways, is "Far out!") As you may have suspected, they make Bruce angry; they don't like him when he's angry. Caroline is rescued. Brad is emasculated. The brunette is forgotten. And Bruce and Caroline are married, but only after delivering this dialogue to the hapless viewer:

Bruce: I once heard a story about a man being chased by a tiger. He came to a cliff. He fell, but he grabbed a branch, and he just hung there, just out of reach of the tiger. And he looked down. You know what he saw? Another Tiger. Waiting for him to drop. And then he felt that the branch he was clinging to was coming out of the cliff by the roots. Now while all this was happening, he noticed something: he noticed, growing in a cleft bedside him, a single wild strawberry. And with his free hand he reached out and picked it. And he ate it. And he tought to himself: what a wonderful strawberry.
Caroline: Oh God. I love you David.
Bruce: I love you, Caroline.

Oh God, I need some strawberries. And a double mai tai.

Join us tomorrow, when I will review The Nanny or quite possibly smother myself with a yoga mat.