popplers

April is the cruelest month

Overheard in Cambridge, New England Spring edition:

"In San Francisco, they aren't wearing coats!"

Although it is not always readily apparent, spring is here. The blackbirds are back, and singing loudly. The snowdrops have been up for some time, and the crocuses have been up for over a week. The snow piles are mostly melted, or at least greatly reduced. Erikson's Dairy has re-opened. (Ice cream! Ice cream!) Last night, it poured down rain while it thundered and lightninged. I eagerly await the chorus of spring peepers.

Bonus apocrypha: Mark Twain never said "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco."

Mao.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

A snippet from today's Globe: The Savant Project is celebrating the day with couples and bitter single people in mind. The romantic Valentine's Day menu features oyster shooters and chocolate molten cake. The F&%@ Valentine's menu has chicken wings, Miller High Life, and a pint of Ben & Jerry's. You can also tack pictures of your exes to a dartboard. Festive, right? Reservations recommended. Savant Project, 1625 Tremont St., Boston. 617-566-5958.

And for all you couples: it's business time.

Three things that made me laugh

• Via fark.com: this photo (which prompted the realization that I need to keep such a sign with me at all times)
• This headline from The Onion: Hard To Tell If Wikipedia Entry On Dada Has Been Vandalized Or Not
• I knew that I wanted to read Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E.: This Is What They Want as soon as I saw this entry on warrenellis.com. Chris ordered it for me, and it arrived last week. I didn't realize, however, that I would read it in one sitting, cackling madly the entire time. Must. Have. More.
  Posted by rv at 01:24 PM | Comments (0)

Those Wacky Japanese (#924 in a series)

Via Cute Overload, the most ridiculous Japanese game show ever:

Classy, real classy.

How You're Finding Us…
Originally uploaded by popplers.

• Barack Obama. Barack Obama. Barack Obama.
• Fiji. Fiji?
• It looks like "Britney Spears" and "crotch" tied for 9th place.
• Speaking of which— how is Paris Hilton not on this list?

Mmm... waffle runoff.

I love the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. And Jon Stewart loves "food" on a stick. (Personally, I'll take Homer's patented Space-Age Out of This World Moon Waffles over a pancake-wrapped sausage on a stick any day.)

Things rattling around inside my head

• Woot! The Tick vs. Season One is finally out! "Come on, Arthur. The night is young and we have umbrellas in our drinks."
• I love Mimi Smartypants:
  Yesterday I was dancing around the house to "Bizarre Love Triangle" and Nora was all like "Mommy, stop" and I had a flash-forward to me and all my friends embarrassing the shit out of our kids at their weddings, when we hobble up and slip the DJ some cash to play all the alternative hits of our youth. Head like a hole! Black as your soul! Whoo, look at those old folks go!
• Cat and Girl: "The villanelle is the most restrictive of all sandwich forms."

When knitting goes horribly wrong

Thanks to this Globe article about Stitchy McYarnpants, I stumbled upon her monument to unfortunate crafting: the Museum of Kitschy Stitches. If these designs don't fill you with embarrassment and loathing, the 70s have eaten your soul. Quoth Chris: "It's the Gallery of Regrettable Knitting."

Bonus: she's coming soon to a store near us to flog her new book: The Museum of Kitschy Stitches: A Gallery of Notorious Knits.

It's not the heat, it's the stupidity

It's been a while since I last read Overheard in New York. I'm happy that I finished my iced coffee beforehand.

1. Math is hard.
   
2. You can't get there from here.
   
3. Harsh. Just harsh.

The blackflies, the little blackflies…

Via Boing Boing: the National Film Board of Canada web site offers 50 animated shorts for your viewing pleasure. You can search the selections by title, director, or year of production. These are 3 of my all-time favorites:

• Christopher Hinton: Blackfly
  
• Cordell Barker: The Cat Came Back
  
• Richard Condie: The Big Snit

Thursday quickies!

Four things that made me smile this morning:

• Cat and Girl: Culture Wars. "Give me convenience or give me death!"
• John's essay on user interfaces, writing without interference, and the "long descent into the hell of "helpful" software": Stop helping me.
• This cartoon from Natalie Dee: unless you just buy them to prove you think of stuff.
• Defective Yeti on finally getting high-speed internet access. "Frankly, I was quite happy with dial-up (except when I was actually using it, when I was typically ENRAGED)."

I got a shout-out on Cute Overload yesterday!

Some weeks ago, I had submitted this photo of the cutest Kiwi to hit the scene since Yahoo Serious. Go check him out, he's terribly cute, especially the feet.

And the lamb lies down…

Lileks on prog rock:

“The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway,” for example, packed the gatefold with a story written by Peter Gabriel in his best sophomore English Major style, peppered with those nifty isometric Hipgnosis illustrations, which were like Milk-Bones for stoners. You know, people hate Genesis because they remember the poppy period with Phil Collins capering about looking like a BEFORE picture in a Hair Club for Leprechauns ad, getting all Cocker-faced over Su-su-sudio. But before the fame they turned out some extraordinary compositions, and there’s moments of rare beauty utterly beyond the capabilities of 99.9% of most pop artists today. No, I don’t mistake complexity, gnarly time signatures and unexpected key changes for brilliance, or I’d be writing about Yes.

Grampa Prog! Do you remember what it was like when “2112” came out? Why yes, my lad. Have a seat, and I’ll tell you of a time when rock was so peculiar that the words “vocals by Geddy Lee” were actually considered an attraction, not a warning.

Hochiwichi

Happy Hedgehog
Originally uploaded by paradoxic motion.

The coolest part is that you can go visit them (they're in Haverhill, MA). I think a road trip may be in order… What could be better than seeing cute little beasties and visiting the Tap Brewpub for a nice Nut Brown afterward?

Quote of the Day

From Joss Whedon, in the aforementioned Comments thread:

# Joss Whedon Says:
February 16th, 2006 at 7:29 pm

Wow, we both went right to the cross-dressing humor! This is just like the Algonquin round table, except there's only two of us, and no table, and no particular surfeit of wit, and no great certainty about how spell ‘Algonquin’. Huzzah!

Colinus virginianus

As you would expect, lots of late-night comics have had a shot at Cheney, now that he's had a shot at Whittington. I particularly liked this comment from Jon Stewart:

"Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the weekend in south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting VP since Alexander Hamilton.

"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

I guess I'm not the only one who shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

Exit, stage right

I love The Onion: U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy.

[…] In a striking rebuke of the assertions of the Pentagon and the White House that a swift exit is neither practical nor possible, soldiers of varying rank have outlined a straightforward plan of immediate disengagement, dubbed "Operation Screw This." […]

I'm right there with you, Jade.

PvP nails it once again. Today's topic: still more Christmas shopping.

Awww… Part II

Get Slide for your own webpage

Awww…

Cute Overload offers "an overwhelming amount of cuteness to fill your daily visual allowance." The commentary cracks me up.

If you feel yourself slipping into insulin shock, go read The Book of Bunny Suicides until you're better.

Whistling is next on the list.

I love the Onion: RIAA Bans Telling Friends About Songs. (And reminiscent of another all-time favorite headline: RIAA Sues Radio Stations For Giving Away Free Music.)

Happy trails

Gojira warning
Originally uploaded by popplers.

p.s. This pic courtesy of the Warning Label Generator.

Can I help you find something, sir?

Put down your coffee. Swallow. Then read Lileks on shopping for underwear:

[…] Yes, you can help me find something. That underwear you carried in 2003 that you no longer stock. It fit perfectly. It was like the underwear you get in heaven on Orientation Day. You know how sometimes the size is not quite right -- one size rides up like a Munchkin thong, and the next size feels like you're wearing a grocery bag? Not these. […]

The strangest thing that I've seen at work today

FDA Org Chart
Originally uploaded by popplers.

Panda Trifecta!

• Panda matrimony
• Breadwinner panda
• Panda news from The Onion

Ask your doctor

No, Panexa is not the drug that I've been working on.

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your lifestyle is one of the biggest factors in choosing how to live. Why trust it to anything less? Panexa is proven to provide more medication to those who take it than any other comparable solution. Panexa is the right choice, the safe choice. The only choice.

Whedon, you bastard!

Serenity (IMDB:8.4|Rot:81%)

If you haven't already, go see Serenity. Then read Ron Swartzendruber's extremely funny Serenity in 2000 Words or Less.

(No pullquote because there are so very many spoilers. Just go see the movie, okay?)

Now why didn't Amazon recommend this for me?

What do you want to be for Hallowe'en, Billy?

I want to go as a Tropical Tiki Drink, mommy!

p.s. I know what Poz is going as this year.

Not quite as bad as the "Gold Box" offerings

Found while browsing Amazon's Friday Sale: oh, the horror. I can't bear to see cruelty to animals. (Although I think this one is even worse, somehow. I think it may be due to the look of disgust in the dog's eyes.)

I love Mimi Smartypants

Mimi discusses her recent reading list:

The Lorax. Oh, shut up you fucking Lorax. I read this book to Nora every single day and she still wants more. She cluck-clucks over the glop in the Humming-Fish pond, she sighs with despair over the smoggy sky, she scolds, "No! You do not do that!" at the sight of axes felling Truffula Trees. Should I just order her Greenpeace sweatshirt now? I'm down with the environment and all, but repeated readings of The Lorax have made me want to go shoot a panda, load it in my Navigator and drive it to a national park, and then set fire to its corpse with gasoline.

Today is a good day to die.

Via McSweeney's: Klingon Fairy Tales.

"Goldilocks Dies With Honor at the Hands of the Three Bears"

"Snow White and the Six Dwarves She Killed With Her Bare Hands and the Seventh Dwarf She Let Get Away as a Warning to Others"

Amazon Recommends…?

Amazon Recommends...?
Originally uploaded by popplers.

Walking and falling

I love The Onion: Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory.

[…] "Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power." […]

Repulse Monkey

For various reasons, I left work quite late today. The parking lot was mostly deserted, but I noticed that there was a man practicing tai chi. I have no idea what form he was following, but it all looked very smooth and graceful. Suddenly, he clapped his hands together in front of him. I was momentarily puzzled, then I recognized the movement— Kill Mosquito!

Always a bridesmaid…

I haven't seen pix of the dresses that Donna et al. picked out, but I'm sure that they look nothing at all like the offerings at UglyDress.com, the archive of the world's ugliest bridesmaids' dresses. They probably don't look anything like this, either— but if they do, cool!

Touched by His noodly appendage

Alert reader Mike preaches the gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him. […]

The pen is mightier than the sword

Yay, 2005 Bulwer-Lytton winners announced! Dan McKay of Fargo tops the list with this oeuvre:

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.

Woof!

Today's silly quiz: What dog are you? I'm an Entlebucher Sennenhund!

I love The Onion

Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint Presentation:

[…] "To Ron's credit, it was one helluva way to go out," human resources manager Gail Everts said. "Ron clearly spent a lot of time on that presentation. If the subject matter weren't so heavy, we'd probably use it to train his replacement."

Copywriter Gita Pruriyaran said the presentation "had room for improvement." […]

Wow, what a week.

Things without which I could not have survived this week:

• Arisia, Shaolin Soccer, and Samurai Champloo
  
• Back-Saver snow shovel and studded Hakkapeliittas
  
• City of Heroes (yay, 60k debt! I *&^%ing hate Crey's Folly), the n00b l33tsp34k email thread, and P1r4t3s 0f Teh C4r1bb34n: Teh Curs3 0f teh Bl4ck P34rl
  
• lovely Christmas gift of a shopping bag filled with all kinds of goodies from Trader Joe's
  
• The Onion, mimi smartypants, and Spamusement!
  
• Waaay too much coffee, Pacific Soup at Yoong Tong, and Chris's special homemade macaroni & cheese
  Posted by rv at 04:16 PM | Comments (0)

Friday quickies

• Not The Onion, but still funny: Microsoft's AntiSpyware Tool Removes Internet Explorer.

• David Letterman must have been a repeat on Wednesday night, because I heard this Top 10 list while driving to work the next morning: Top Ten Ways To Irritate Alex Trebek, presented by Jeopardy! Champion Ken Jennings.

• Finally, Jeopardy! announces its Ultimate Tournament of Champions— past masters will compete for a chance to play against Ken Jennings. Yikes!

Spamusement!

I don't know if I'm having a low threshold of humor day, but I can't stop giggling while reading Spamusement! Spamusement! consists of "poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines", although most of them are better drawn than anything I could come up with. Plus, I just like saying Spamusement! Spamusement! Spamusement!

Some entries are so-so, but some are truly inspired. For best results, start at the bottom and work your way up. And try not to disturb adjacent cubicle denizens or snork coffee into your keyboard.

And even though Cokie Roberts suppresses a shudder every time we say it…

The Boston Globe ran a nice interview with Tom and Ray Magliozzi, a.k.a. Click and Clack.

"[…] Ray, again: "What we do may be in bad taste, but it's rarely mean. We're not shock jocks. We're usually laughing at ourselves. And most listeners know we have good hearts."

A footnote: Their late mother, Elizabeth Magliozzi, who costars on the new "Car Talk" CD titled "Maternal Combustion: Calls About Moms and Cars," was repeatedly accused of having a drinking problem and prison record. On national radio. By her own sons. Did she demand an apology? No. Only that they stop smoking cigars. Which they have-- sort of. […]"

Macworld minimized

Gizmodo presents iProduct! (And its less funny rebuttal: AppleHaters.)

More quickies

• Gojira!
• Penguins!
• Idiots!
• Beer!

Steve, Don't Eat It!

I don't know who Steve is, but he eats things that I wouldn't touch on a bet (e.g., potted meat food product, pork rinds, natto) and writes about it. He makes me laugh so hard that tears come to my eyes.

[…] Beggin' Strips are bacon-shaped, bacon-flavored treats for dogs. In the commercial a dog runs around the house like a maniac shouting BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON! It's weird, because I do the exact same thing.

Beggin' Strips slogan is "Dogs don't know it's not bacon!" Newsflash: Dogs are retarded. Mine used to eat his own vomit, and wag his tail while he did it. I'll be the one to decide if this stuff tastes like bacon or not. […]

That's just wrong.

My favorite image from Fark's annual "worst holiday gift ever" photoshop contest: Miffy.

Dark and stormy

Speaking of monkeys and typewriters, I stumbled across the 2004 winners of the Lyttle Lytton Contest. As in the regular Bulwer-Lytton contest, entrants compose the hilariously bad first line of an imaginary novel. Unlike regular Bulwer-Lytton, however, the entries must be 25 words or less.

An example from the rules: "Jennifer stood there, quietly ovulating."

Ook, ook.

You gotta love the Weekly World News (or any paper that can run a headline that reads "MONKEYS TYPE SHAKESPEARE PLAY"). Apparently 5,000 monkeys with typewriters are almost as good as an infinite number:

[…] "We've been holding our breath for weeks," says Alan Ripshaw, the researcher in charge of the Monkey Project. "We knew the monkeys were getting close, but we've had a number of false starts.

"One time they got to the fourth act of Macbeth, before making a mistake. The monkeys also recently typed out a Thomas Pynchon novel, but that doesn't count." […]

Ho, Ho, Ho!

I know it's mean to laugh at the misfortunes of others, but these Scared of Santa photos crack me up. I love the entry that earned 2nd place, but some of the funniest are also the creepiest.

Christmas Quickies

• One of the great things about having a TiVo is skipping over commercials. But we'll often stop to watch good commercials. The Santa's Helper Rubberband Man ad is perfect.
• Alert reader Donna calls our attention to H.P. Lovecraft-inspired Christmas carols
• Via fark.com, the worst Christmas album ever… Christmas In The Stars: The Star Wars Christmas Album!
• Via BoingBoing, Beatles Christmas Albums and gingerbread computer bits!
• Tom and Ray Magliozzi, Daniel Pinkwater, Robert Siegel, Ira Glass, and a cast of dozens in: A Car Talk Christmas Carol
• NPR's Scott Simon and Jim Nayder bring us Annoying Holiday Tunes

Well nothin' I do don't seem to work…

I go out to my car this morning. Of course, I am already running late.

I notice that I have a flat tire. Really flat. Dead flat. I sigh, and go into the garage to get the bicycle pump. I eventually pump up the tire and drive away.

I take my usual route, and make the left turn onto the entrance ramp for Route 495. Too late, I realize that 495 is bumper-to-bumper. Unfortunately, at this point I can't bail and go via back roads, so I keep creeping up the entrance ramp. It takes me over 15 minutes to go ~3 miles. I get off at the next possible exit.

As I'm within striking distance of arriving at work, the Rolling Stones' 19th Nervous Breakdown comes on the radio. I start giggling and crank up the volume. The song ends when I arrive in the PharmaCo parking lot.

You better stop, look around, here it comes… here it comes… here it comes…
Here it comes. Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown.
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown…

I think I need a new Mixing Bowl.

I love Mimi Smartypants. I feel her pain. And the cake batter metaphor is priceless.

Today I am wearing a rather ugly seafoam-green sweater, a color that I normally avoid because it makes me look even more greenish, sullen, and furtive than usual, solely for its snuggliness. That is my mental state in a nutshell right now. I would have worn pajama pants to work as well, but somehow I managed to scrape a bit more of the Cake Batter Of Professionalism out of the Mixing Bowl Of My Rapidly Declining Standards and put on real grown-up pants with the ugly sweater. The cold and the holiday blah blah and the fact that my office never seems to operate on anything other than an OH MY GOD SUPER RED-HOT EMERGENCY level are all making me want to magically transform from a human girl into a patch of moss on a fallen log. […]

I love The Onion.

This makes my job a whole lot easier: FDA Okays Every Drug Pending Approval, Takes Rest Of Year Off

Laughing on the outside

Brilliance from Fafblog:

[…] Why did Democrats lose the election? Clearly, this loss couldn't have come as a result of the strategic and tactical masterminds behind Kerry-Edwards '04, whose cunning political maneuvering, clear message, and deft counter to every shameless smear from the Bush camp kept their candidates shining in the sun from March through November. Nor could it have been affected by the negligence of the modern news media, which remained a hawklike watchman of democracy, quick to counter every rumor, baseless allegation and outright lie from GOP operatives not with mere fact-checking but with the sullen and lifeless talking points of Donna Brazille.

Indeed, in no prior election has the playing field been so level for a fight between a wartime president whose endless incompetence is repeatedly masked by a top-notch media team and overlooked by an oblivious press corps, and an able but wooden challenger with an inept staff and a play-doh running mate whose media narrative becomes hijacked for a week at the mention of lesbians. […]

Neighborhood Watch

This Hallowe'en, if someone shows up at your door in a suspiciously realistic squirrel costume, be afraid. Be very afraid.

It's funny and it's true

Via daypop: iPod vs. The Cassette

Hangovers and mothering

Once again, Mimi Smartypants makes me spray iced coffee onto the keyboard. (And she even quotes my favorite passage from Lucky Jim!)

Yes. Yes!

We were in the car and happened to catch The Next Big Thing on WAMC. The entire show was fun, but the bit with Orson Welles is brilliant. Even better, U B U W E B's 365 Days Project has it in MP3 format. Your Rio (or iPod) will never be the same: Orson Welles recording an advert for frozen peas. (Even funnier, after hearing this, is Maurice Lamarche's parody from The Critic.)

Quickies!

Some of these are well-aged quickies, having been rattling around in the blog fodder folder for over a month. Some of them are spring-fresh and lemony. But they all amused me, so I wanted to share. If you've seen 'em already, get over it and congratulate yourself on your pop-culture quotient.

• Mad Magazine brings us The League of Rejected Superheroes
• Via daypop: johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com
• Those Wacky Japanese (#8,237 in a series): Japanese Vending Machines
• Only in San Francisco: Bachelor #2 eschews date with hottie, opts for PlayStation 2 instead
• Via craigslist: fantastic rant from a motorcycle owner
• Via Salon.com: very funny videogame review of Rise to Honor and Resident Evil
• Catchy little ditty (and spiff video, to boot!): Hey Hey 16k
• Foamy the Squirrel vents his spleen on the Atkins Diet

Style Invitational

Alert Reader Matt writes in with this amazing anagram challenge from The Style Invitational:
Week 554: Love the Tiny Tail Stain!

Former President Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti: Strike finds sad, immature rat in spider hole. —Richard Grantham

Britney Spears weds childhood friend in Vegas: Wavering, she did play his bride for ten seconds… —Meyran Kraus

Write an anagram based on a name or event that's been in the news recently, as in the examples above, which The Empress just up and stole from this Web site. The anagrams may be anywhere up to 100 letters long. What?? How on Earth can you keep that many letters straight? Well, just go over to this site and download the incredibly nifty free program called Anagram Artist, created by Mike Keith of Virginia. Otherwise, just pull out some Scrabble tiles and move them around. […]

More quickies

Kill Bill, the game. In Czech. (Requires Flash. Click on hrát.)

Via Frodo and Donna both: Krispy Kreme in Hawaii. They're just not the same when they're cold, though.

I love The Onion: Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department.

CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. "Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down." Jacobs did not offer to pay firefighters for their service.

Overheard

On summer in New England: "Even if you're wearing your bathing suit, you bring a fleece."

Laugh, it's good for you.

Via The Onion: "The shelves of America's dollar stores are packed with off-brand foodstuffs from netherworlds where Nabisco and Frito-Lay exist only as rumor. These weird little consumables sport odd names, curious mascots, unusual cooking suggestions, and flavor combinations that no sane laboratory chef could concoct. But how do they taste? The writers at The Onion A.V. Club recently emptied their coin purses and embarked on a quest for budget-friendly snacks."

Special humor bonus: God Hates Shrimp and The Exorcist in 30 Seconds (and re-enacted by bunnies).

Quickies

• Marriage Constitutionally Defined as Between Man and Woman, or Two Hot Women
• The Onion: Jesus Demands Creative Control Over Next Movie
• Via Allison: Cows With Guns (Requires Flash)
• Via Frodo: Mr. Picasso Head and the Historic Tale Construction Kit (Requires Flash)
• Via cluefairy.com: Donald Rumsfield's Fighting Technique
• Mimi Smartypants: Ten Things I Miss About My Pre-Mommy Life
• Tom Tomorrow: A Brief History of Marriage in America

I love The Onion.

New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive:

[…] Lutz said automakers have been researching fury fuels since the mid-1970s. As early as 1984, they began to look for ways to take advantage of the limitless supply of bad temper generated daily by American drivers—outrage currently vented wastefully into dashboards, steering wheels, and passengers.

An engine burning clean, white-hot hatred will release few harmful byproducts into the atmosphere—bad vibes and a small amount of water vapor will combine to be released in the form of human spittle. In addition, anger technology will turn the standard fuel-economy paradigm on its head: An anger-powered engine is actually more efficient in heavy urban traffic. […]

Dang.

In spite of the fact that I've been enjoying my new Gamecube, sometimes I feel just like Cole.

Curses! Foiled again.

While many pranks were perpetrated on various fraternity brothers at Alpha Chi Rho (well, actually, one specific brother), I don't think that any of them hold a candle to this.

little. yellow. different.

I loved reading about Ernie's Christmas in a nutshell dumpling wrapper. It's wonderfully funny, in a sort of wince-inducing, David Sedaris way.

While I am sorry that I never learned to speak Cantonese, I am relieved that we don't have to go through this sort of embarrassment in my family. While Ernie seems bummed that the Christmas turkey has been supplanted by hot pot (da bin lo in my family), I can't really sympathize with that part of his lament. We used to have hot pot, but it's a lot of work cutting up and preparing all the different ingredients (beef, chicken, scallops, squid, na choy (sp?), Chinese meatballs, etc.). Especially if you're making hot pot for 20+ people. And then you have to clean up afterward. And my grandparents don't have a dishwasher.

So now we go out to a Chinese restaurant for Christmas Eve, then go home and open presents. The food at Jade Palace is terrific, but sometimes I miss the chaos of da bin lo.

I love The Onion.

Great headline: Network Pushes The 'Dumbing It Down' Envelope.

LOS ANGELES—Already home to Extreme Makeover, Trista & Ryan's Wedding, and According To Jim, the ABC television network is now looking to develop some really, really, really dumb shows, network sources announced Monday. "With all the competition in television, we have to make the ABC brand stand out," said Susan Lyne, president of ABC Entertainment. "That's why we want a slate of projects that will out-dumb the dumb shows like Whoopi, The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, and The Next Joe Millionaire." ABC's pilot orders for Fall 2004 include The Naked Ladies, Extreme Explosions, and America's Shiniest Objects.

Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!

Alert reader Iwan warns us of another impending Microsoft lawsuit, this one from the distinguished firm of Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur.

Amusingly, this same joke has been circulating since 1997, when it referenced Windows '95 instead of Windows XP.

As an aside, I find it incredibly funny that when I typed "Cthulhu fhtaghn" into Google, I got this:
Did you mean: Cthulhu fhtagn

Perhaps I should have used Cthuugle!

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Via Neil Gaiman: a Jack Chick tract, if Jack Chick worshipped Cthulhu. And from those fine folks at The Onion, this news report: Poor People Pretty Much Fucked.

Don't Panic!

The Toque answers that all-consuming question: What Should I Do If The Internet Goes Down?

No one knows when the Internet will fail. It could happen at any time, leaving you bereft of your e-mail, your sports scores, and your Blogs. Therefore, it's important that you and your family have a contingency plan for just such an emergency. If your connection to Cyberspace were to ever get severed, you should at least be prepared. We have included a few key points that should assist you if that were to happen. […]

Memories of Spang

Years ago, I saw a great prank on Jay Leno. They made up a case or so of a product called Spang-- a beverage that combined the great taste of SPAM with the astronaut-sanctioned goodness of Tang. It looked like cloudy Snapple. Okay, like cloudy, scary Snapple. Then, they took the show on the road and had man-in-the-street taste tests. They told some people that if they liked it, they'd get a chance to be in a commercial. They asked other people for honest feedback. The contrast between these two groups was readily apparent (and totally hysterical).

Then, today, I read this: JONES SODA CO. TO LAUNCH NEW JONES SODA FLAVOR

November 12, 2003

Seattle, WA, U.S.A. – Jones Soda Co. (the "Company" or "Jones Soda"), announces today that it will introduce a new seasonal flavor in its popular Jones Soda line – Turkey & Gravy flavored beverage.

In time for the Thanksgiving holiday, Jones Soda will launch a limited production of the sugar-free and no carbohydrate Turkey & Gravy flavored beverage in the Washington and Michigan markets. […]

I love a company with a sense of humor.

Best. Contest. Ever.

Via Daypop, FARK.com's Mate-a-movie Photoshop contest. I wish I was better with Photoshop (or GIMP) so that I could do Chris's suggestion: Master and Commander: Far Side of the World According to Garp.

<snrk>

I love defective yeti. Yesterday's entry on McNPR cracked me up.

Also, don't miss this week's issue of The Onion: Mom Finds Out About Blog.